


Finding the Words to Say

by novajanna



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: But not superheroes, M/M, Superpowers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 20:10:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10906605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novajanna/pseuds/novajanna
Summary: In which Ryan Ross can't help reading people's minds, Jon Walker absorbs energy (and usually controls it perfectly), Spencer Smith shoots ice from his hands and saves melting refreshments, and Brendon Urie sometimes bursts into flames.





	Finding the Words to Say

Jon glows when he’s onstage. It’s the palest orange colour, regardless of what the lighting for the stage show is like, and Ryan’s pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to tell unless you were looking for it. He’s always watching for it, though.

He finds something endlessly fascinating about Jon’s ability to absorb energy, the way that the waves of emotion and force rolling off the crowd just soak into his body. Ryan has to spend at least a half an hour before every show putting up mental blocks so the thoughts of every single person in the audience don’t overwhelm him. (The only time he tried to go onstage without blocks up was after Reading, because he’d thought that maybe he’d be able to feel a spark of negative energy if someone was going to throw something. Instead, he’d been hit so hard with thousands of voices that he’d nearly fainted onstage.) Jon, though – Jon just soaks it all up like a sponge, and the only sign of it is the barely-there orange glow.

All the energy he absorbs on a daily basis, whether kinetic or emotional or anything in between, just shows through that radiation off his skin. Ryan knows Jon could channel it into something like strength, force the energy into some outlet, but Jon never seems to need it. In fact, the more energy that’s going through him, the more relaxed he becomes. Ryan, admittedly, doesn’t totally get Jon Walker.

***

Jon’s ability to absorb energy makes him the ideal candidate for calming Brendon down after shows, so he’s sitting on the floor of the bus with Brendon and duelling him at thumb wars. Ryan is seated across from Spencer at the small table, a mug of tea in his hands. Spencer glances back at Brendon and Jon, and then turns to Ryan and says “I’m going to break up with Haley.” His voice doesn’t drop to a whisper, doesn’t crack at all, just stays completely level.

“I know,” Ryan says, and Spencer lets out a frustrated sigh. He’s tapping out a rhythm on his own mug, but it’s fast, harried.

“I know you know,” Spencer replies, but his tone is angry enough that he switches to projecting his thoughts to Ryan. _Sometimes, you just need to let me tell you. Sometimes I actually need to talk through it._

“They’ve gone suspiciously quiet.” Brendon’s whisper is too loud, and there’s a laugh behind it that irritates Ryan, draws him away from Spencer a little bit.

“They’re doing the freaky mind-meld thing,” Jon agrees, and Brendon starts singing a song about mind-melds and Ryan looks at Spencer and says “Okay, talk to me.”

“I don’t really want to, anymore,” Spencer replies, too flippant to be genuine, and Ryan wants to bang his head against the table. He always does this with Spencer; it seems impossible to him that they haven’t worked out a way of dealing with it yet.

“Spencer, I’m sorry. I just forget, sometimes,” Ryan tries, but Spencer stands up.

“It’s okay,” he says, giving Ryan a tight-lipped smile. “We can talk about it – one way or another – later.” He starts to walk down the aisle. “Brendon, you wanted to hear that new band I was telling you about?” Brendon nods eagerly and lets Spencer pull him up. Ryan watches them go, marvelling at how well Spencer has always handled Brendon. Sitting in a bunk and listening to music will keep Brendon on the happy side of his post-show high, but it won’t rile him up like Guitar Hero would.

Jon slides into Spencer’s spot smoothly, and Ryan is about to say that he doesn’t want to talk about it when Jon says “Dude, did I show you that hilarious new cat video from YouTube?” And the amazing thing about Jon is that he says it like he isn’t avoiding a topic, even though Ryan can hear him thinking You’ve got to stop doing this to Spencer from across the table.

Ryan shakes his head and laughs a little. “You and your cats, Walker.” And Jon just smiles easily and grabs his laptop.

***

The first person Ryan ever told about being telepathic was, predictably, Spencer Smith. It was a warm day, humid and sticky, but there were storm clouds gathering on the horizon. It would be the first rain in almost three weeks when it finally came. Ryan knew that at least Mrs. Smith was happy for the rain that summer, because she'd been giving sad looks to her even sadder-looking flower beds since late June. All the flowers were dying, crisping at the edges, curling in on themselves. Ryan glanced at them as he walked up Spencer's front steps, just like he always did, checking to make sure that none of her favourite plants had died. He opened the screen and knocked on the blue wooden door, and Spencer opened it.

"Hey," he said, and then yelled back into the house. "I'm going out on the street with Ryan!"

"Don't get hit by any cars!" Mr. Smith called back, and Ryan smiled. Spencer rolled his eyes a little and padded out onto his front porch, barefoot.

"The tar will burn your feet," Ryan said, looking out at the strips of black snaking along the pavement.

"Maybe," Spencer shrugged, but set out into the street anyway. He even started walking along the black strips, carefully following the lines like a tightrope walker. He was a year younger than Ryan, but usually Ryan forgot that detail until Spencer did something abnormally stubborn or petulant. When the ice cream truck rounded the corner, they barely spared a second to share a look before Spencer rushed back inside. He came back out a few seconds later with his pockets jingling, and he and Ryan walked down the street.

"Why do you always wear pants in the summer?" Spencer asked as Ryan's cuffs scraped across the ground.

"I don't know," Ryan said, looking down at his own feet.

"Is there something wrong with your legs?" Spencer asked, tone mischievous.

"No!" Ryan replied defensively, hiking up his pants with one hand. His father never took the time to make sure he had the right size, and always complained that Ryan seemed to be shrinking.

"'Kay." Spencer's tone was flippant; his focus had shifted to the truck. "Do you want a popsicle?"

"Yeah." There were a couple kids in front of them in line, all older, and Ryan peered through them to the board. "A purple one. Please," he added as an afterthought.

"I know," Spencer said, frowning at him slightly. "You always have purple."

"Oh," Ryan said, and Spencer huffed and crossed his arms across his chest.

When it was their turn, Spencer was the one who stood up on his toes and paid for their popsicles. Ryan thought, briefly, about how Spencer always paid or asked for directions or led the way, but then he remembered that it didn't matter.

"Here," Spencer said, handing him the popsicle. He'd already opened it for Ryan, and pulled the wrapping down around the popsicle stick. It's something Ryan's mother always did, to try and catch most of the drips.

"We'd better eat them fast," Ryan said, squinting up into the sun, and Spencer nodded. They sat down on the curb as the other kids ran back to their front yards or to the park down the street. Ryan glanced over at Spencer; his freckles were starting to come out, just like they always did in early July. Ryan thought they made him look younger, but he’d never have said it. Spencer was always trying to be older than he was.

They’d known each other for long enough that Ryan knew those little things about Spencer, almost had lists of random facts about his best friend compiled in his head. But it wasn’t just that he’d learnt a lot of weird things about Spencer – like how Spencer was actually really superstitious, or how he could recite entire lines from The Goonies on cue – Ryan also trusted Spencer completely at that point.

So if Spencer didn’t understand, no one would. Ryan took a deep breath. "Do you sometimes, you know, hear people talking even when they're not really talking?"

"Like in X-Men?" Spencer asked, licking at the orange droplets running down his fingers.

"Can they read minds?" Ryan hadn't read any comics except for the ones that Spencer had shown him, and they'd mostly been Superman. Spencer's father used to collect them, so they were all really old issues. Some of them they weren’t even allowed to touch.

"Yeah," Spencer said. "And, like, talk into people's brains. There's this girl in X-Men - her name is Jean Grey - and she's really powerful."

"Huh," Ryan responded, and took a bite out of his popsicle.

"Why?" Spencer looked at Ryan intently.

"Oh, just...” Ryan stopped for a moment, thinking. He thought maybe he could just ask to see the comics, say that he’d seen something about mind-reading in some movie and thought it was really cool. He didn’t want to lose Spencer just because his brain was all messed up. “I just, um…Sometimes I can hear things, even when people aren't talking out loud," Ryan replied quickly, and looked down at his untied laces. A purple drop melted onto his right shoe, probably staining it.

"Cool," Spencer said. "Can you show me?"

Ryan was startled for a moment. "Yeah, I think so," he said. “Can you think of something? Maybe like the name of a movie or a book? Something that I wouldn’t guess really easily?”

“Um…” Spencer responded, and his brow furrowed in concentration.

Ryan tried to give Spencer enough time to think of the title. “Okay. Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

Ryan let his brain sort of stretch across to Spencer’s, and then laughed. “Oh! Dirty Dancing?” He asked, smiling at Spencer.

Spencer blushed a little; Ryan could see it on the tips of his ears peeking out from his hair. It was getting long, but Mrs. Smith would let it grow out through the summer. Spencer would have to get it cut before school, though. “My mom was watching it last night.”

“Okay,” Ryan said, still laughing. Mostly it was just relieved laughter, though. Spencer didn’t seem too freaked out by Ryan’s weird ability.

“That’s…pretty cool,” Spencer said.

“And pretty weird.”

"A little bit," Spencer agreed, and then laughed a little. "But I can do it, too. Well, not the same thing. But I can do something like one of the people from X-Men."

"Yeah?" Ryan said, and Spencer nodded.

"Here," he said, and held his hand over Ryan's popsicle. He closed his eyes and concentrated, and when Ryan looked back at the popsicle, all the droplets had frozen again, perfectly still. There was a thin layer of frost over the purple and over the wrapping at the bottom; it was even trailing down onto Ryan's fingers.

Spencer noticed a second after Ryan. "Oh, sorry."

"It's okay," Ryan replied. "It just...feels cold. It's nice."

"Okay," Spencer said, and then smiled at him. "Good."

***

“I am sorry, you know.” Ryan catches Spencer alone after Brendon’s crashed for the night, Jon still fiddling around on the computer.

“I know,” Spencer says, and moves over in his bunk so Ryan can slide in next to him. _It’s just, sometimes I need to say things out loud. I’m used to you being inside my head a lot of the time, but you forget I’m not always in yours. There’s an element of discussion, of give-and-take, that isn’t always there._

 _I know_ , Ryan replies. _I’m not doing it deliberately to be an ass, or anything._

“Well, duh,” Spencer whispers, grinning at him. Ryan loves Spencer’s grin. It’s open and genuine, but something you have to earn all the same.

“So. You’re going to break up with Haley. Want to tell me why?”

 _You already know why_ , Spencer projects, face turning more serious. _At least, I’m guessing you do._

Ryan pauses, studying Spencer for a moment. _Brendon?_

Spencer rolls over and buries his face in his pillow. _Why do I feel like we’re teenagers again?_

 _Because you’ve got a ridiculous crush?_ Ryan tries, poking Spencer right between the shoulder blades.

“Shut up,” he mumbles, voice obscured by the fabric. “Shut up and get out of my bed, Ross.”

Ryan smiles and steps out of Spencer’s bunk. _So we’re good?_

_We pretty much always are, comes Spencer’s voice just as the curtain swings shut._

***

Brendon is always accidentally burning people. He gets excited and his skin heats up without him realizing, and then, suddenly, the person he was just talking to is shying away from him with a nervous laugh. Ryan always knows when it’s happened, even if he isn’t looking, even if he’s in a separate room. There’s a big burst of positive energy from Brendon, sometimes even a phrase or two filtering through, and then there’s just emptiness. It’s only for a split second, and then Brendon’s thoughts resume at their normal pace despite the tinge of sadness behind them.

Brendon hardly ever burns Ryan or Jon, because Ryan always gives him a sharp reminder when he knows Brendon is heating up and Jon just absorbs the energy so easily that Brendon doesn’t even know what he’s done. What’s strange, though, is Spencer. Brendon is constantly burning Spencer, even though Spencer’s powers with ice should, practically speaking, counteract Brendon’s powers with fire perfectly.

“It’s weird how he always does that,” Jon says, watching Spencer run his arm under cold water as Brendon hovers nearby. “I mean, what with the ice and fire combo, you know.”

Ryan shrugs. “Brendon’s fire is stronger around Spencer.”

“Really?” Jon asks, turning back to Ryan. “Huh. Interesting.”

“It’s just that-” Ryan hesitates for a second, wondering if it’s his business to share, but Jon is a trustworthy guy. Besides, both Brendon and Spencer are really obvious as it is. “He feels everything more strongly around Spencer, so his flame is stronger.”

“Ah,” Jon says with a smile. “And Spencer? Why doesn’t his skin automatically freeze to offset the fire?”

“Never has his guards up around Brendon,” Ryan replies, and smiles a little himself. They’re ridiculous, the two of them. He looks over to where Brendon is now kissing Spencer’s arm better, and laughs. Really, really ridiculous.

***

Ryan hadn’t known that Brendon had a power when he finally decided that Brendon should be in the band. It was a windy day, the kind that always made Brendon a little more restless than usual, and Brent was leaving for home, late for dinner. Ryan called Brendon back when he tried to follow Brent out the door, and Brendon walked cautiously back into the room.

“Yeah?” He said, adjusting his glasses. Spencer was still perched behind his drum kit, and Ryan was leaning against the wall as casually as possible. Brendon flicked his gaze between the two of them, smile wavering slightly.

 _Are you sure?_ Spencer’s voice inside Ryan’s head was familiar enough by that point – Spencer had quickly learned how to project his thoughts directly to Ryan – but it still surprised him how casually Spencer could do it. He didn’t even glance over at Ryan, gaze still fixed firmly on Brendon.

 _Yes_ , Ryan thought back as firmly as he could.

“Okay,” Spencer said out loud, making Brendon jump a little.

Ryan let his mind brush against Brendon’s, curious. His thoughts were loud, and Ryan smiled slightly at the earnestness in them. _Please don’t kick me out, please don’t kick me out, all I live for is music, I love this band…_

“We want you in the band,” Spencer said, and Brendon let out a short laugh.

“Really?” Brendon’s tone was hesitant, as if maybe he expected a cruel joke. (His thoughts had devolved to just _pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease_.)

“Really,” Ryan confirmed, grinning. Brendon beamed back at him. Ryan pulled away from his mind and linked with Spencer.

 _Right decision_ , Spencer thought at him, and Ryan was about to reply when Brendon burst into flames.

“Holy shit,” Ryan gasped, and his gaze shifted to Spencer, as if, somehow, because Spencer could fix most things, he’d have a magical cure for spontaneous combustion. But then, just as quickly as it started, the flames stopped. Brendon seemed fine, if a little singed. There was smoke curling up from him towards the roof, and the whole room was misty with it.

“That sometimes happens when I get excited,” Brendon said sheepishly, hands playing with the hem of his shirt. There was a beat of silence and then Spencer started laughing. Ryan sighed; it was Spencer’s out-of-control laugh, the one that meant he wouldn’t catch his breath for a while. Brendon was giving Spencer a puzzled look. “It’s not…I know it’s pretty weird, but mostly I can control it.”

“We don’t think you’re weird,” Ryan said out loud with one last exasperated glance at Spencer, and then projected to Brendon’s mind. _At least, no weirder than us_. It took Brendon a couple of seconds, but then his eyes widened as he stared at Ryan.

“You just…talked. But not actually talked. You spoke directly into my brain!” Brendon exclaimed, and Ryan nodded. “That’s so cool!” Brendon looked over at Spencer, who had just started to regain his composure. “What can Spencer do?” As if there was no way Spencer wouldn’t have a power.

Spencer held out his hand and shot a thin stream of ice at Brendon. It landed in the middle of his chest, and Brendon grinned and closed his hand around the bridge of ice between them. His hand glowed subtly, and there was a hiss as the ice melted and steam mixed with the smoke in the air. “Can Brent do anything?”

Ryan shook his head. “No. Or, well, not that we know of. We thought maybe…”

“Yeah,” Brendon agreed quickly. “He’d probably be a bit freaked out, if he didn’t have one. So…can I still be in the band?”

“Well….” Spencer began, and Ryan shot him a sharp look. Brendon’s head snapped around to train his gaze on Spencer as well, though Ryan could feel the fresh worry coming off of him. “The way I see it, we have two options.”

“We do?” Ryan asked, and Spencer nodded solemnly.

“We can be in a band, or…we can be superheroes.” A smile played at the corner of Spencer’s mouth, and Ryan rolled his eyes even as Brendon was saying “Band, definitely band.”

“I agree,” Ryan said.

“Okay,” Spencer replied with a full-fledged smile. “Band it is, then.”

***

Ryan’s lying down in the shade, blocking the light filtering in through the trees with one of his scarves, when he feels Jon approach. It’s always easy to tell that it’s Jon, not only because of the scuff of flip-flops on the ground, but also because the energy coursing through him always makes him a stronger presence in Ryan’s mind. Jon stops and sits down beside him, somewhere to his left.

Jon’s energy always shifts when he’s around Ryan, and Ryan’s never been quite sure what to make of it.

“Do you ever just…read our minds?” Jon asks, and Ryan lifts the scarf covering his eyes to look at Jon. He’s playing with a blade of grass between his toes, not looking at Ryan.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…so you know things without us telling you.” He looks up at Ryan and meets his gaze. “Isn’t that why you’re always fighting with Spencer?”

“Yeah,” Ryan replies with a sigh.

“But it’s different with Spencer, right? Because he’d probably just tell you everything anyway?” Ryan sits up, and now Jon is pointedly not looking at him.

“Well, yeah, Spencer usually would tell me, but that’s not really – what’s bothering you?” Ryan can feel Jon’s anxiety and discomfort, but he can’t quite work out why. Ryan tries to skim Jon’s thoughts, but Jon’s singing ‘Yellow Submarine’ really loudly in his head, which makes it nearly impossible for Ryan to get through to anything real. “Jon.”

“No, it’s nothing,” Jon says, and gives him a quick grin. “I was just wondering about you and Spencer.” And Ryan doesn’t have to try and read Jon’s thoughts to know that’s a lie. Jon’s got a dozen tells, and Ryan knows them all by now.

***

“Jon was asking me today about my ability to read minds,” Ryan says, sitting down next to Spencer. Spencer’s leaning against the bus, watching the game of kickball going on in the parking lot with a smile on his face.

“He hasn’t figured it out yet?” Spencer asks lightly, but Ryan doesn’t respond. Spencer turns to him, cocking his head to the side, and gives him a questioning glance. Ryan pulls his knees up to his chest and closes his eyes.

“I think he’s worried I’m reading his mind? But, you know, invading his privacy.”

“Are you?” Spencer’s tone isn’t accusing, but Ryan’s a little hurt by the question all the same.

“Sometimes I hear things I shouldn’t, but it’s not like I go fishing for information,” Ryan replies, and opens his eyes, blinking at the light.

“Maybe he’s got something he doesn’t want you to know. I get that having a telepath around would make you a bit anxious about stuff like that,” Spencer says, and Ryan wonders for the millionth time how Spencer is so patient with him. Spencer’s smiling out at the kickball game, but Ryan knows it’s for him.

“I should talk to him.” It’s not a question, but Spencer answers anyway.

“Duh.”

***

It’s early morning when Ryan stumbles out of the bus, wondering why they’ve stopped. The sun’s only just starting to rise, and there’s still a chill in the air. Ryan feels the bumps rising along his arms and shivers, looking around for his band. They’re parked by an open field, a lone tree in the middle of it. Ryan lets his gaze drift down to the three figures standing under it, and walks towards them. The light is almost directly behind the tree, so it’s just a dark shadow. The light shining around it is soft, and it reminds Ryan of Jon’s glow onstage.

The grass is tall and brushes against his skin, and he thinks maybe he should have put some pants on before stepping out into the middle of nowhere. But it’s too late to turn back now; all three of them are watching him walk up. It’s not until Ryan’s practically at the tree that he notices how it’s catching in the light, and takes a closer look. The large oak tree is completely covered in a layer of ice, leaves frozen perfectly still on the branches.

“Not bad,” Ryan says to Spencer, who rolls his eyes in response. Jon has his camera up, taking pictures from every possible angle.

“It’s fucking amazing, Ross, shut up,” Brendon defends, but he breaks into a yawn that ruins the bite behind the words. He reaches out towards Ryan and tugs him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Cold?” He asks into Ryan’s neck, and Ryan nods. It only takes a second before he can feel the warmth spreading from Brendon’s arm through his whole body.

“Thanks.”

 _It’s really pretty, Spence_ , Ryan projects, and receives a small smile.

_He said he missed Chicago winters._

_It’s summer, though_ , Ryan responds, watching Jon move around the trunk of the tree.

_He was saying something about an ice storm? I don’t know. I was up this morning and saw the tree, and asked Sam to stop the bus._

“You’re kind of a sweetheart, Spencer Smith,” Brendon says, reaching out to tug Spencer closer, slipping Spencer’s arm over his shoulder. Ryan looks at him, startled. Sometimes he wonders if Brendon has mind reading abilities as well; he’s constantly saying what Ryan’s thinking.

“Yeah, Spencer,” Jon says, walking up to them. “Thanks a lot. It’s gorgeous.”

“No problem,” Spencer replies. “Taken enough pictures?”

Jon nods and they head back towards the bus. Brendon gives Ryan’s waist a squeeze and then drops his arm, nuzzling in to Spencer’s side as they walk. Ryan hangs back to talk with Jon.

“I, um. I’m not delving deep into your brain, or anything,” Ryan says, and wants to take it back. It’s too defensive, and definitely not the way to start this conversation.

Jon doesn’t seem surprised that he’s bringing it up, though. “Ryan-”

“No, this-” Ryan pauses for a moment, frowning at Jon. “This really bothers you. But you need to know that I’m not trying to get inside your head, find out all your secrets.”

“I don’t really have that many secrets,” Jon replies with a shrug.

“That’s not the point.” Ryan has no idea why Jon is being so stubborn. He skims over Jon’s mind, just briefly, and hears But what if you found out? “Sometimes you just think too loud,” Ryan blurts, wondering what it is Jon doesn’t want him to know.

“I-” Jon starts, and then stops at the edge of the field, waiting for Spencer and Brendon to get on the bus. “I think too loud?”

“I mean…I don’t try to read your mind, but sometimes I can’t help it.” Ryan gives Jon a pleading look, but Jon isn’t looking at him.

“So you’re inside my head a lot, right? You know things I never say, just because I think too loud?” Jon is shaking his head, and he looks back out into the sun before turning towards Ryan. “It makes sense that you’re in my head. I mean, you’re a telepath. I don’t know why I never thought of it before.” Jon turns to walk back onto the bus, and Ryan stares after him.

“Maybe you just didn’t have anything to hide before,” he says softly, and then turns to look at the tree one last time. The light’s brighter now, but it’s still the soft early morning light, still just an orange glow around the tree’s silhouette.

***

With Jon, it was different. Ryan knew he had some sort of power the moment he met him, because Ryan could feel the wash of energy rolling off him.

“Jon Walker,” Jon said, holding out his hand and smiling easily.

“Ryan Ross,” Ryan replied, taking it. There was a shock the second his hand touched Jon’s, and Ryan fought down all the comparisons to sparks flying that were rising in his mind. Instead, he linked with Jon, just briefly, and heard God, this kid is too fucking pretty. Ryan grinned. “It’s nice to meet you, Jon Walker.”

That spark’s never really gone away, but Ryan definitely doesn’t think about it anymore.

***

When Ryan was a teenager, he used to sit in class and read his peers’ minds. The girl in front of him in math class was always having boyfriend troubles, even though her parents didn’t want her to have a boyfriend to begin with, but somehow she managed to never break up with him. Ryan knew she was never happy, and he had delusions for a while about helping her, soaring in and saving the day, but he had no idea what to do with the information he’d gleaned from her mind. It was all too personal, too in-depth; he wouldn’t know where to start with her without seeming creepy.

There was a guy who sat two rows over from him in English, a pretty typical stoner. But the kid was really smart, and he’d sit through English class with his head on his desk composing perfect answers to every question the English teacher asked. The weirdest thing, though, was that no matter how far Ryan delved into his mind, he could never figure out the kid’s motivation for not trying.

Through going into his classmates’ brains, Ryan learned all sorts of blackmail material, all sorts of things about the perfect people and the imperfect people and everyone in between that basically reassured him that he wasn’t the only fucked up one, even if he was one of the only people who showed it.

***

Things have never been this awkward with Jon before. They’ve had arguments once or twice, about silly things like stealing Jon’s special coffee or working out issues in songs, but Ryan’s avoiding Jon and Jon’s avoiding Ryan and they’re both being really obvious about it. Spencer keeps giving him odd glances every time Jon leaves the room after he’s walked in, but Ryan keeps shrugging it off. He doesn’t know how to have that discussion with Spencer without bringing up their own issues.

The worst part is, he can’t link in to Jon’s brain to know what to say to fix it, because Jon’s right; that is an invasion of Jon’s privacy, even if Ryan can’t always help it. It’s become a reflex for him, usually the only way he knows how to deal with things. He hates not knowing what’s coming next. And this time, he really has no way of fixing it, because reading Jon’s most basic thoughts isn’t an invasion of his privacy.

Half the time Ryan knows what Jon’s going to say a split second before he says it, or he gets to hear a long tangent about how hot Summer is in ‘The O.C.’, but it’s not anything deeply personal, really. Occasionally there’s a thought about Cassie in there, a rush of emotion one way or the other, or the thought I haven’t called her in a while just before Jon excuses himself from the room. But it’s not like Ryan knows any of Jon’s deepest darkest secrets. Not that he thinks Jon has any.

***

“Let’s make a bonfire!” Brendon exclaims, as excited as he usually is about fire.

“With just the two of us?” Ryan asks skeptically, and Brendon nods.

“We need some alone time, Ross, and I make a mean bonfire.” Ryan almost skims Brendon’s brain to work out why he’s doing this, but lets it go.

“Okay,” he says with a shrug, and Brendon grins as he tugs him out of the bus.

It doesn’t take Brendon very long to build the fire. He finds a clear patch of dirt near the venue and finds enough rocks to make a circle, placing a pile of twigs in the middle of the circle. He snaps his fingers over it, a look of pure glee on his face. Ryan knows the small amount of kindling can burn for hours if Brendon stays nearby.

When they’re seated next to Brendon’s small fire, Brendon turns to him and says “You read my mind sometimes, right?”

“I-” Ryan considers denying it, for a second, because he’s been trying to do better in that particular department, but then again, he’s spent the last five years reading Brendon’s mind. “Yeah. But it’s mostly just skim reading. Does that…does it really bother you?”

Brendon shrugs. “No. I mean, not really. There’s not a whole lot about me you don’t already know, Ryan.”

“But it’s different from knowing the big things,” Ryan says. “I wouldn’t go that deep into your mind anyway, it’s more just…the little things. Like if I say ‘Do you like this outfit?’ and you say ‘Yes,’ but you’re thinking ‘No’ really loudly, then I’ll know.”

“So you can catch my white lies,” Brendon says.

“It’s more than that, though,” Ryan says, frustrated. He’s struggling to find the words. “Because every idle thought is there and I take it in. Sometimes I even know things before you do, because you’re sort of subconsciously thinking about it, so I hear it loud and clear but it’s buried underneath layers of more important things and the song you have stuck in your head and contemplating what you’re going to have for lunch.”

Brendon looks at him, interested. “You know things before I do? Like what?”

Ryan smiles at him. “Like about Spencer.”

Brendon ducks his head. “Ah, like that.”

Ryan looks at him curiously. “What are you waiting for with that anyway?”

“I don’t know if Spencer feels the way I do,” Brendon replies, pinching a flame from the fire and rolling it in his hands. “It could get really awkward if I, you know, made a move and he didn’t reciprocate.”

“Brendon-” Ryan begins, but Brendon holds up a hand.

“Don’t tell me anything, Ross,” he says, the trace of a smile on his lips. “I want to figure it out normally, for better or for worse.” He looks away from the ball of orange and up at Ryan. “Anyway,” Brendon replies, rolling his shoulders. “We were talking about you. Do you think maybe that’s why Jon was worried? Because the little things you might know before he does sometimes add up to big things?”

Ryan pauses for a moment, contemplating. “Well, yeah.” He blinks at Brendon. “That…was very clever of you.”

Brendon smiles wide. “I kind of planned it. I’m surprised you didn’t know, actually. I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

“I’ve been trying not to read your thoughts, lately,” Ryan confesses.

“Good,” Brendon replies, and then slings an arm around his shoulder. “Some things should be a surprise, Ryan. Some things are just better that way.”

***

While Ryan isn’t talking to Jon, Spencer is being ridiculously adorable with Brendon. If he weren’t Ryan’s best friend, Ryan would probably have to kill him. Spencer’s just gone on a smoothie run – “Because it’s fucking hot, Ryan, and I’m going into fruit withdrawal” but really, Brendon loves smoothies and that’s it – and Brendon walks into the room. He looks awed, staring down at something in his hands.

“What’s that?” Jon asks, and Brendon’s grin is absolutely blinding as he sets it down on the table. Ryan wants to groan as soon as he sees it. It’s a perfectly crafted ice rose, complete with thorns. Spencer is nothing if not realistic.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Brendon asks. “It’s just like that scene in ‘X-Men’!”

“Yes, Brendon,” Jon replies indulgently, but his smile is fond.

“I just wish I could pick the petals off,” Brendon sighs.

“Um, why?” Ryan asks.

“He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not…” Brendon’s smile is just plain goofy now, and if he sighs dreamily one more time Ryan might actually hit him.

Jon snorts. “Wow, you definitely don’t need the help of petals to work that one out.”

“Yeah, or be a telepath,” Ryan agrees, and he and Jon share a brief moment of camaraderie, smiling over Brendon’s head.

Brendon is about to reply when Spencer walks back in.

“Oh,” Spencer says, placing the tray of smoothies on the table next to the rose. “You found it.”

“Yes! Thank you, Spencer Smith! It’s amazing!” Brendon jumps up and throws his arms around Spencer.

“Yeah, well, I try,” Spencer replies, hugging Brendon back.

 _Seriously, you should just make out with him already_ , Ryan projects, raising an eyebrow at Spencer.

 _What, right here?_ Spencer replies innocently. _You want to watch, Ryan?_

 _Ew_ , Ryan says as firmly as he can, but his facial expression must give their conversation away.

“Mind-meld!” Jon announces, watching him carefully.

“While I’m hugging you Spencer?” Brendon asks, pulling away. “Really! How rude!”

“Have a smoothie, Brendon,” Spencer says, and Brendon grins at him and grabs the berry smoothie.

Jon’s already sucking on his. “Damn it, they’re warm. I hate it when that happens to smoothies.”

There’s a pause, and then Spencer smiles at Jon. “Hey, Jon, give me your smoothie.”

Jon stares at him for a second. “Oh! Right.” Spencer shakes his head and curls his hands around Jon’s smoothie.

“Hopefully that’s not frozen solid,” Spencer says, handing it back to Jon. Jon takes a sip.

“Nah, it’s great – thank you.”

“Okay, do me, Spencer!” Brendon says. Jon snorts again and Spencer glances at him, flushing a little.

 _Seriously, Spence_ , Ryan projects, and Spencer scowls at him.

 _Seriously, Ryan_ , he replies, and shoots a pointed glance at Jon. Ryan lets it go.

***

Jon breaks up with Cassie late on a Wednesday night, and Ryan can’t avoid feeling the waves of sadness coming from Jon’s bunk after he clicks his phone shut. Ryan also can’t avoid hearing the relief layered on top of that sadness, the phrase _I finally did it_ in one happy rush, over and over again.

 _Talk to Jon_ , Ryan sends to Brendon, and it’s a testament to Brendon’s faith in him that he doesn’t even question it.

“Jon,” Ryan hears Brendon saying, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Brendon,” Jon says, and Ryan peeks out between the curtain and the wall to see Jon pull Brendon in for a hug. “I’m better than okay, in fact. I’m good.” Jon lets out a little chuckle. “Really good.”

“Are you hysterical with grief?” Brendon asks, and it’s so serious that he even fools Ryan for a second.

“No,” Jon replies. “I just – it didn’t feel right with her anymore. I’m going to miss her, but I think it’s better this way.”

“Well, yeah,” Brendon says. “Now you have more time for me, Jon Walker. Of course it’s better.”

“Oh, are you going to give me all my lovin’, now?” Jon says, and Ryan pulls back from the curtain as Brendon starts to giggle.

 _And how do you feel about this progression?_ Ryan sends to Spencer, and he can hear Spencer’s smile when he replies.

_Oh, I think I’ll live._

_Not horribly jealous?_

“I’m sorry, Jon,” Brendon says, still a little breathless as he recovers from laughter, “But I’m already promised to another.”

“You are, are you?” Jon says, his tone light and teasing.

“Yup,” Brendon replies with a sigh. “Sorry, JWalk.”

 _No_ , Spencer thinks at him, _not horribly jealous at all._

“It’s okay, Brendon,” Jon says lightly. “I think I’ll be able to find someone else.”

“Oh, I’d bet on it,” Brendon replies wryly, and then thinks at Ryan. _Now that I’ve completed your mission, are you going to pull your head out of your ass?_

Ryan turns over to face the wall and doesn’t respond.

***

Ryan wakes up in the middle of the night with a jolt. He rubs his eyes and peers out around his curtain; both Brendon’s and Spencer’s are closed, and when he skims over their minds, they’re both sleeping heavily. The curtain to Jon’s bunk, however, is open, and Ryan knows something’s wrong as soon as he lets his mind find Jon’s brain. There’s energy coursing through him, but it’s too strong and it’s moving too fast, and the energy is overpowering enough that Ryan can barely hear Jon’s thoughts. _Shitshitshit, I have to get off the bus, I’m going to hurt them._

“Jon,” Ryan says, stepping into the kitchen.

“Oh, shit, Ryan,” Jon stammers, choking on his words a little. “I can’t-” He’s looking at Ryan with this wild look, completely panicked in a way that Ryan’s never seen him before. His thoughts are still moving too fast, a jumble of worry and negative energy. Ryan’s only catching snippets as they flit through Jon’s mind. _Too much –Cassie – don’t know how to say – never lost control – building up – can’t stop it – Ryan-_

Ryan can feel the energy level rising, and Jon’s thoughts aren’t even words anymore, just flashes flitting across Ryan’s brain. He takes a step towards Jon, frantic, and then there’s a sharp crack and a blinding flash of light and Ryan’s slammed backwards. His head hits the wall hard, too hard, and everything goes black.

***

“Ryan? Shit, Ryan, I’m really sorry.” Jon’s voice sounds really far away.

“Hey,” Ryan says, and Jon lets out a breath of air.

“Oh, thank god you’re not dead.”

“No, I’m not dead,” Ryan replies, wincing as he tries to lift himself up on his elbows. There’s a sharp pain in his shoulder and his head is murky. “Shit.”

Jon’s hands are on him, restless, trying to ease him back down. “Seriously, I’m so sorry, I just – I lost control. I’ve never lost control before, but it all kind of built up and-”

“I knew it was coming,” Ryan cuts in. “I just couldn’t-”

“You couldn’t get away fast enough, I know-” Ryan grabs Jon’s wrist with the hand that doesn’t hurt; maybe he grips a little too hard, but at least Jon stops talking.

“No, I couldn’t get to you, you idiot,” he says, and Jon’s eyes widen as a smile starts to form on his face. It’s the last thing Ryan sees before he blacks out again.

***

Ryan wakes up in his own bunk and hears voices in the kitchen. He lets his brain skim over the minds in the kitchen, and finds five instead of the usual three. Pete’s there, definitely, and… _Hope the kid’s all right, did the best I could, have to get back to the tour now, though. Wish I could stick around longer._ There’s only one person Ryan knows with healing powers, and that’s Bob Bryar. Someone called in a favour. Ryan groans as he slides out of the bunk and walks into the kitchen.

“Hi,” Ryan says, and then turns to Bob.

Bob looks him over appraisingly. “Does anything still hurt?”

“Nothing major,” Ryan replies with a small smile.

“I’d like to check you over, just to be sure,” Bob replies, and Ryan wants to say he feels fine and that it’s not necessary, but he also doesn’t think it’s a great idea to argue with Bob. He lies down on the couch and Bob kneels next to him. He touches a large hand to Ryan’s arm, and Ryan can feel the quick release of energy seeping into his skin. Bob lets his hand rest there for a moment, concentrating, and then frames Ryan’s face with his hands. There’s a cool feeling washing over him this time, and then Bob’s pulling away.

“Okay, I think you’re good.”

“Thank you,” Ryan says, and Bob nods.

“It’s fine. If you feel like something’s gone wrong, find some way of contacting me. The healing should stick, though. Now I’ve really got to get back; we have a show tonight. See you.” He turns and walks out of the bus, and when Ryan looks out the bus window he sees Frank standing there, grinning at Bob. He loops an arm around Bob’s waist and then they disappear.

“You really are feeling better?” Pete asks earnestly, and Ryan thinks it was probably Pete who called in a favour with My Chem. Ryan nods, and Pete leans into tousle his hair. “Good. You had us pretty scared there, for a while. They called me in, just in case...” Pete trails off, and Ryan knows what he’s pointedly not saying. Pete’s a telepath like him, so if he’d been in shock and had completely receded into his mind, it would have taken Pete to pull him out of it. It’s happened before.

“Yeah, I get it,” Ryan replies, and Pete flashes him a wide grin before turning to face the rest of the band.

“Okay, guys, I’ve got to get going too. Back to the missus, you know. Some of us are still kept men,” Pete says with a wink, and Ryan’s pretty sure he and Spencer share an eye roll. Jon just chuckles and shakes his head, and Brendon waves as Pete leaves.

“You’re really better?” Brendon asks, and hugs him tight when Ryan nods in affirmation.

 _Really?_ Spencer asks.

_Really._

_Good_ , Spencer says, and then holds his gaze. _Talk to Jon, fucker._

“Brendon,” Spencer says, “Let’s go make out.”

“But Ryan is-” Brendon stops mid-sentence and stares at Spencer, as if he’s just registering what Spencer said. “Really?”

“Unless you don’t want to,” Spencer says with a shrug, but his grin shows he knows the answer.

“Spencer, don’t be ridiculous,” Brendon replies haughtily before giving Spencer an eyebrow waggle. “Your bunk, or mine?”

Jon laughs as he watches them go, and then turns to Ryan, sobering. “I’m so, so sorry, Ryan.”

“There’s only so much you can apologize, you know?” Ryan replies, and takes a step closer to Jon.

“I don’t know, even Bob was worried for a while there,” Jon responds, and there’s an awkward pause as Ryan works out what to say.

“I never meant to intrude on anything private, I just…It’s not that you think loudly, but if there’s something on your mind, you tend to project it more than you know.”

“Yeah, I was being irrational,” Jon replies, and Ryan shakes his head.

“Not really, no. I mean…Brendon said this, not me, but it was something about how all the little things can add up to be big things and it’s not fair of me to know that before you just because I let my mind wander.”

“Ryan,” Jon says, “That’s sort of exactly the problem, but I was being irrational. I just-” Jon takes a deep breath and looks down, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. It’s worn – an old Cubs shirt – and Ryan’s pretty sure it’s the equivalent of a comfort blanket for Jon. He’s so focused on watching Jon’s fingers that he almost doesn’t hear Jon’s mumble. “I didn’t want you to know how much I’m in love with you until I was ready to say it out loud.”

“You – you what?” Ryan asks, and when Jon still doesn’t look up, he tips Jon’s chin up with a finger. “What?” He breathes, and this time Jon manages to look at him straight in the eye.

“I’m in love with you.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, and Jon looks down again.

“Yeah, so, I’m sorry if that’s going to make things even worse.”

“No, it’s not that. I just - I didn’t know that was coming,” Ryan replies, a little stunned. “And, I mean, are you sure?”

“Ryan,” Jon says, grabbing his arm and pulling him closer, “I broke up with Cassie for you.”

“Oh,” Ryan repeats, staring down at him. “I didn’t know.”

“Can you get over your shock at not knowing something after you’ve kissed me, do you think?”

“I – yeah, maybe,” Ryan replies, and leans in to brush his lips against Jon’s. That same spark from the first time they met buzzes against Ryan’s lips. “You have no idea the things I want to do to you,” Ryan mumbles against Jon’s mouth, and Jon bites lightly at his lip in response.

“Since you’re a telepath, do you think you could keep the dirty talk inside your minds, maybe?” Spencer asks casually, and Ryan turns to see him leaning against the door frame, Brendon peeking over his shoulder.

“You two are going to be sickening, aren’t you?” Ryan says, looking over their identical grins, Brendon’s swollen lips, and Spencer’s skin flushed pink.

“No more sickening than you,” Spencer scoffs, and Jon laughs.

“You made him an ice rose, Spencer, seriously.”

“Shut up,” Spencer retorts, and then Brendon whispers something in his ear. “Anyway. We’re going back to the bunks. You probably don’t want to come in for a while.” Spencer smirks at them and Ryan wrinkles his nose, earning another laugh from Jon.

*****

“So, you guys should come over for dinner tonight,” Spencer says, and he says it so casually that Ryan almost misses the smile in his voice.

“Is this your unofficial house warming party?” Ryan asks, and Jon looks up from his spot on the couch.

“Could be, I guess,” Spencer replies, and now the nonchalance is forced enough that it makes Ryan grin. It’s been almost six months, and Spencer is still ridiculous when it comes to Brendon.

“We’d love to come over for dinner.” He looks over at Jon as he says it, but Jon just nods and turns back to his magazine.

“Okay, well. See you at six?”

“Sure. Should we bring any gifts? I mean, appliances are more for the inevitable wedding, but-”

Spencer interrupts, says “I’m hanging up on you now.” And then he does as Ryan chuckles to himself.

“You’re terrible,” Jon says, rolling his eyes, but he’s thinking really loudly about their bedroom and all the things they could be doing in it.

“Do you think we have enough time?” Ryan asks, and Jon smirks.

“Is that a challenge?”

***

In the end, Ryan and Jon are late for dinner.

“Why am I not surprised?” Brendon says as he answers the door, and lets them stand on the porch while he eyes them appraisingly.

“Are they decent?” Spencer calls from the kitchen, and Jon chuckles as Ryan runs a hand through his hair.

“I’ll have you know that we showered before we came over,” Ryan calls back, walking into the house behind Jon.

Brendon shuts the door and makes a face at Ryan. “You had a shower together? I so don’t want to know, Ross.”

“Pity,” Jon replies, “because he could totally just project the images directly into your brain.”

“Oh god, no,” Spencer exclaims, standing by the counter and lazily stirring a pot of spaghetti sauce.

“Or we could just, you know, re-enact,” Ryan suggests lightly, turning towards Jon.

“I will cool you off in the only way I know how,” Spencer threatens, and Jon slips his hand into Ryan’s and gives him a soft smile.

 _Later_ , Jon promises, but the smile stays as innocent as ever. Ryan will never stop marvelling at Jon’s ability to stay completely cool in any situation.

“So,” Ryan begins. “What’s for dinner?”

It’s not really anything special, or even different from the type of meal they’d usually have together, but Ryan knows this is important to Brendon and Spencer. Living together – owning a house together – is a big thing for them, and Ryan spends the evening skimming their minds, mostly just for his own amusement. They’re still so giddy around each other, like they haven’t known one another for years, and Ryan finds it fascinating.

 _Get out of my head._ Spencer’s voice comes through while they’re waiting for Brendon to bring in dessert. Ryan glances at him and grins. _Seriously, Ross. I will start sending you images of all the things I’m going to do with Brendon once you’re gone._

 _Please don’t_ , Ryan projects, and Jon calls out “Mind meld!”

Brendon immediately starts singing, and Ryan recognizes the song Brendon’s now extended to something like nine verses and affectionately refers to as ‘The Freaky BFF Song: An Ode to Ryan and Spencer.’

Brendon brings out dessert when he’s on the sixth verse, and Ryan’s surprised at the complexity. “Crème brulee?”

Spencer shoots him a warning glance as Brendon grins sheepishly. “I may have spent all day trying to heat them perfectly with just my hands?”

“You’re adorable, Bden,” Jon says, reaching out to take his bowl from Brendon.

“Yeah, thanks, Brendon,” Ryan says, and sends a thought to Spencer. _Your boyfriend better not kill me with his food._

Spencer pulls Brendon down into his lap and laughs into his neck. Brendon hums the chorus from the Freaky BFF Song around a spoonful of dessert, and then grabs another spoonful for Spencer. Brendon continues the pattern as he hums – a spoonful for himself, and then one for Spencer – until they’ve nearly finished dessert.

“You two are disgusting,” Ryan says, and Spencer sucks noisily on the last spoonful, licking it completely clean. Brendon’s eyes widen slightly, and Jon laughs.

“Wow, so maybe we should head home,” he suggests. He and Ryan help clear the dishes and then Brendon and Spencer walk them to the door.

 _Thanks for coming_ , Spencer says, catching Ryan’s eye and holding it.

_Anytime, Spencer. Really._

“Goodnight!” Brendon says, nudging Jon out the door. “Thanks for coming! You can cook for us next time!”

“Bye,” Jon says, and then grabs Ryan’s hand and pulls him towards the car. Once they’re seated and driving, he proceeds to start talking in the dirtiest voice Ryan’s ever heard, telling him how he’s totally willing to bottom tonight, if Ryan wants, in as much detail as he can. Ryan glances back at Spencer and Brendon’s house, watching them kiss on the doorstep, and smiles to himself.

Then he turns back to Jon and tells him how much he likes Jon’s new way of thinking.

**Author's Note:**

> \-- Archiving all my old LJ fic --
> 
> For lyo. With thanks to sunktheglow, mintyfiend, and Sam for editing.


End file.
